My children’s rooms are just too tidy. Why is this bad? Because they don’t play much. Their toys rarely leave the toy bins.

My oldest son loves technology and video games, so I daily have to pull his head out of a screen to see the world around him. Technology isn’t all bad. Our world centers on technology. Our kids have to be immersed in it. I believe screentime has a place in modern childhood. Some computer games and shows can be educational. They can also appease our kids during long periods when we just need them to (please, oh please) just be still. But this type of passive entertainment does not give our children the same benefits as active, free playtime. 

My children love to watch YouTube videos of children playing. You might first think this could inspire them to play on their own, but yet they often act dumbfounded when faced with real, tangible toys. Maybe there’s a reason for this.

We all want our children to develop important life skills like working with others, sharing, problem solving, decision making, creativity, leadership, and self-advocacy. Studies show that playtime helps develop all of these traits, especially when we adults let children lead the way. The key is that it must be child-driven and unstructured. 

When children watch others play and don’t actively participate, they don’t have to use their imaginations, their creativity is directed by the people on the screen, and it doesn’t offer the opportunity to build soft skills, like decision making, conflict resolution, and self-advocacy. They aren’t actually interacting with anyone.

When did kids forget how to play? 

I told my 3-year-old one day that we were taking a TV break and suggested she play with her toys, which she immediately answered with moaning.

I suggested she play store.

No.

She could make something in her play kitchen.

No, she wanted more TV.

She could do a puzzle or play one of her favorite games?

No (with more whining).

Finally I finished my task and asked if she would play house with me. She looked confused. 

“House?” she said. “How do you play house?”

She has 13 baby dolls, a baby bed, and a play kitchen. That is more than enough to set up a pretend house. How did I let her get three years into childhood without this play knowledge? Playing house is a fundamental play activity. So, I took her to her room and proceeded to pull out plastic food pieces, tiny kitchen utensils, and dolls. She asked where the house was. 

“It’s here,” I said. “We’re pretending your room is the house.”

She was astonished – as if this was such a new and innovative idea. We spent the next 45 minutes rocking babies, making play food, dressing babies, styling hair, and taking babies to the doctor. 

She loves to play with me, her brother, anybody that will take the time. She has used her imagination more often since then, setting up Barbie Doll swimming lessons in the bathroom sink and grocery stores in the living room.

And, we have to work harder to clean her room. I’m not even mad about it. It’s a beautiful mess. Plus, it gives me more opportunities to teach her about cleaning up after herself, although that’s a much harder habit to instill than using imagination.

Building character traits

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, playtime allows children to create a world they can master, which builds their confidence and helps them learn to process and handle emotions. It makes sense, then, that playtime would be especially important for children who are facing major life changes and emotional trauma, like divorce, death of a loved one, a new baby in the house, moving to a new home or school, etc. I worked for a hospice organization for many years that also provided grief support to school children. They always encouraged “play on purpose.”

When children can’t make sense out of the real world, play allows them to escape reality into a world they can master and have greater capacity to process their emotions.

What can we do?

So, knowing all these benefits, what do we do about the problem? How can we instill in our kids a love for imagination and creativity? I’m not a psychology or child development expert, so I don’t know the answer. I have a feeling it’s multi-faceted. But as a mom, I am on a hunt for ideas and solutions. If you have any, let me know! Here’s a few that are working right now for our family.

Let them be bored

When boredom strikes, my children immediately beg for a screen to entertain them. While all the kids are home this summer, I decided to cut off screen time around 9:30 every morning. At first, I thought about filling up our daily schedules with activities to decrease opportunities for whining and fighting. Ultimately, though, I decided to make a loose schedule of certain weekly outings outside the home, lunchtime, and a “tidy time.” Otherwise, I pretty much let them decide how to spend the rest of their day. 

I even wrote a list of suggested activities for my boys when they come to me feigning boredom. 

In the beginning, they whined about the injustice of it all. None of my suggestions seemed fun. Sometimes I had to show them what to do and all but force them to play. However, after some time, they began to whine less. Then they began asking about activities. Now, even though school is back in session and their time at home is less, I find them more often practicing creativity in imaginative play, crafts, and other activities.

Who knew we would ever have to teach children how to play? I certainly didn’t! But playtime seems to be a lost art in modern childhood.

We have to teach our children how to play. Just like my daughter didn’t know how to play house until I showed her, and my boys didn’t know how to build a blanket fort until one day in the middle of pandemic season when I was desperate to find some sort of entertainment.

I try to plan a couple of simple activities we can all do together during our down times, like a science experiment, building activity, cooking, or backyard ball games. Sometimes my ideas flop, because they don’t work out right or the kids just lose interest. But more often than not, it serves as a jumping off point for their own creativity. They often come up with their own playtime plans after we get started.

Recently, I suggested we build a zip line for the boys’ toys. My two boys, ages 8 and 6, were excited but mildly disappointed by my dental floss string and measly harness made from a rubber bracelet. I’m not an engineer, after all. But this simple activity did inspire them to transition the zip line into a full obstacle course for themselves. I left them to it, only helping them tie a few more strings under which they could army-crawl. I was able to cook dinner in peace to the sounds of them giggling as they hopped and crawled all around our living room.

Sometimes, we have to get the party started, but that child instinct for play will eventually kick in.

Schedule playtime

The AAP says children’s access to free play has decreased significantly over the last few decades and suggests one reason may be our hurried lifestyles. I’m sure, like me, you have heard ad nauseum about the pitfalls of overscheduling. Please don’t misunderstand. I believe in the importance of extracurricular activities, team sports, and learning new skills like music and art. My husband and I encourage these activities in our own family, within limits. Some children thrive with busy schedules. However, for some, this overscheduling feels high pressure and leads to feelings of anxiety, depression, and other detrimental effects. And again, these are adult-led activities, not child-directed playtime.

Similarly, some parents thrive on a busy lifestyle and some suffer from it, depending on their personality and season of life. So there is no clear-cut line between what is enough and too much. 

However, one thing is continually proven: all children benefit from quality time with their parents or caregivers in a loving, supportive home environment. I suggest that an overstuffed schedule does not give our families the breathing room we need. 

So if you or your family seems to be suffocating from sports schedules, music lessons, dance recitals, and the feeling that you must let your child try every activity, please know IT’S OK to miss out on some things. 

• It’s OK to pick your child’s favorite activity and have an “off season” with no obligations outside the home. 
• If you, like me, suffer from FOMO for your children as much as yourself, I’m here to tell you it’s OK to skip a season of T-ball to try soccer or spend a few months in gymnastics instead of dance. You don’t have to do it all, all the time. Your children will not get behind.

If you’re one of those people who thrives in the hustle and loves to see a full calendar, try one of these ideas:

• Scheduling a family night with free playtime into your week. Write it in your calendar and stick to it. This is not downtime. This is an important scheduled, but unstructured, activity.
• Plan 20 minutes every day for undirected play.
• Plan to stop by the park for 30 minutes of undirected playtime after ball or dance practice. Or, let your kids spend some extra time playing in the pool after swim lessons, if that’s a possibility. It might be a perfect chance for them to unwind.

Planning playtime is hard. It takes intentionality. But, it’s worth the effort.